Eye Know

I really dislike going to get an eye exam.

I am blind, and therefore I must go get a prescription for contacts. They have all these newfangled exams. It used to just be, "Look at the big E," but now it's push the button, watch the house, blink twice, get air in your eye, look up, look left, and turn yourself around. Ugh! Then, they take your contacts and glasses away and want you to read the eye chart. Uhhh, that's why I'm here! I can't read it. Plus, as I was reading the chart, I could not read the last letter on the bottom line of the chart. With either eye. I said something like, "I really don't know what that letter is," and the doctor replied with, "Maybe because it's a number?" OH! I had no idea they threw in numbers on that chart. Cheaters. Do they want us to get it wrong?!

So, they give me the goofy looking glasses, change the lenses again and again, and say, "One or two?" about a billion times. This one better? This one better? Truthfully, all the choices kind of suck. Don't ask me how they ever come to a conclusion about what the prescription should be.

Have you ever had your eyes dilated on purpose? It's kind of freakish. I could see like normal, but then I would look down or go to read something, and it's as if I had the worst vision in the world. I was sure that this is what it would be like to need bifocals. Except that the bottom focus wasn't working. After my eyes had been sufficiently dilated, the doctor uses a bright light and a magnifying glass of sorts and looks through my eyeball at my retinas. LOOKS THROUGH MY EYEBALL! I'm not gonna lie, it freaks me out that you can look through an eyeball.

After the lecture on changing my contacts more, using a different solution, better contacts that are now available, yadda yadda yadda, I leave with one pair of contacts and another appointment to come back in a week to see how they are working out. Why is it they have to change my contacts every time I have an eye exam? Come on! I've been wearing them for eleven years. One pair is practically as good as the next. Besides, my eyes are so sore now that I'm probably going to be wearing my glasses for a few days anyway.

It was kind of weird driving home with dilated eyes. With my sunglasses, the day looked normal. I snuck a look without them, and it looked as bright as the Second Coming. No joke. It was brilliantly white and light outside. Ridiculous, I know.

My conclusion? I'm saving for LASIK. Donations will be accepted.